Collateral damage

I am soft,
And rough,
In all the right ways.
Layers of soft cushion,
Covered with hardened walls.
Built so high up,
Only the bravest,
Can claim its rewards.
Today, I am alone.
With you,
But totally alone.

I lay here,
Taking you in.
The curve of your back,
The length of your chest.
The breadth of your shoulders,
The warmth of your skin.
Your sweet melanin.
Yet I feel nothing.

I close my eyes,
When you open yours.
Mostly cause I’d rather,
Not pretend to care.
The eyes..,you know
Have a way,
Of distinguishing real feelings,
From a cold blank stare.
Pillow talk for us,
Is out of the question.
The other day,
You asked me if I loved you.
I said of course,
Hoping you’d figure out,
That it wasn’t true.
That I said it just for you.

You see,
Those three words work,
In 3 different ways.
Depending on the intent,
Of the one saying them.
First,.. to communicate fondness,
For another in the hope,
That he/she feels the same way,
And reponds in your favor.

The second,
..is to guilt your partner,
Into love.
This I think,
Is the most often used today.
And true enough,
Most of us,
Say these words,
Without really meaning,
A single one.

The third and,
That which mine was intended.
Is to make your partner leave you,
Without having to do,
The dirty work yourself.
Mostly works on those,
You know for sure,
Don’t  want you…
But don’t wanna let you go either.
These ones usually  are,
Already committed to another.
But string you along,
For what feels like forever.

When I first saw you,
You seemed like,
The type that keeps secrets,
And was kinda good at it.
What with,
The burner phone,
You'd just bought.
And the imprint on your finger,
Where your wedding ring,
Usually was.
You were.. exactly the type,
I was used to seeing.
The kind that,
Could definitely,
Meet my needs.

On that first day,
I saw you looking,
From a mile away.
You liked my body,
But couldn't see my face.
I could feel your eyes,
Travelling along my curves,
Almost bursting with lust.
On that first day,
I saw you,
For who you were,
A user…,ultimately,
Just like me.